If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
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Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*