@mrtruthandsoul: If you see a porcupine in your yard, that's my cat and we're not done with our accupuncture session.
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@kelkulus: Every time God closes a door, he opens a window, thereby wasting electricity on air conditioning, causing climate change and dooming us all.
@Cheeseboy22: Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I'd be upset, but I've been too busy licking off the bricks.
@Caissie: My son on the morning of his prom: "Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night."