@mrtruthandsoul: If you see a porcupine in your yard, that's my cat and we're not done with our accupuncture session.
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@dafloydsta: 1. OMG will this ever end? 2. OMG will this ever end? 3. OMG will this ever end? -top 3 things on my mind when I'm in a a conversation
@QwertyJones3: Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck? Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
@M_Hedberg: People think stage diving is dangerous, but not me. Because humans are made out of 95% water. So the audience is 5% away from being a pool.
@jonnysun: "oh holy crap this farmer just crucified a dude, maybe we shoud stay away from this farm" - what crows realy think when they see a scarecrow