@mrtruthandsoul: If you see a porcupine in your yard, that's my cat and we're not done with our accupuncture session.
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@TommyKarate: Thank you for calling. To speak with a human being, please hang up and travel back to the early 1990's.
@qwertying: Husband: [sends text] We need to break up. Wife: [sends text] WTF! Husband: [sends text] Sorry. That was meant to go to someone else.
@Cheeseboy22: When people ask, "Don't I know you from somewhere?", I reply "Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy."