If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
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Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.