If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
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Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Love it! 👍😂
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Awwwww shit.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist