If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
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So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
This meal prepping shit is easy
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.