If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
You Might Also Like
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Breaking news:
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?