If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
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Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.