If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
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Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
The Sun
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.