If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
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Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
58.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here