If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
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Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
My inexpensive home security system…
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Ain’t no way
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead