If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
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Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
One of the best
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”