@AngelaEhh: If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i'm just wondering if you're going to eat all those nachos?
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@MrSpoonicorn: *a tree branch bursts into a bank with a gun* "THIS IS A STICK UP" *everyone laughs* "GUYS IM SERIOUS" *more laughter* "DAMN IT" *leaves*
@MidlifeDish: "This is the last time I'm going to tell you!" *Biggest lie parents tell kids "And I mean it." *Biggest lie parents tell themselves
@Marlebean: Kid: ... Me: ... Kid: ... Me: ... Kid: ... Me: ... Kid: I just wanted to see you. [4:07 am]
@TheAlexP: Married men aren't allowed to go the grocery store alone because we're the kid in the shopping cart, but with money