@DebTLawrence: If you see me running down the road crying, it's because I hate running.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@goodtimenoel: You're all arguing about what color the dress is... While I'm having sex with the girl who took it off.
@JohnLyonTweets: I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
@215potter: Thank god my brother's getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
@CelebrityChez: My refrigerator just walked to my bedroom, opened the door, stood there and stared at me for five minutes, then it closed the door and left.