We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
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I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?