@MmeSurly: If you see someone crying, ask if it's because of their haircut.
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@Sickayduh: "Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say beautiful instead." "Fine. Can you pass me the beautiful sauce then?"
@MannyDiesel: Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn't run in. I'll wait
@StellaRtwot: *phone rings Me: Hello? Telemarketer: Hello how are you today? Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
@LethargicLife: Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani? Me: Thanks! It's Febreze. I just took a dump.