If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
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They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?