If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
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It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Stop sending me this shit.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”