@robdelaney: If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say "Friend, you're wearing sweatpants." They might not know.
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@Ygrene: Me: allow me to be a frank with you You: ok but don't you mean 'be fra-' Me: [is suddenly a hotdog] You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
@abhorrent_wife: All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
@dshack8: Wife: We get 1 "cheat meal" on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want? Me: The waitress. …And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.