If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
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A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I’m good, thanks.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.