If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
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Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office