If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
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I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.