If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
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*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Yes, this is exactly right
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.