Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
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Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
i want to work in this restaurant
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I beg your pardon?
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.