Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
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my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me