If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
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[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
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