If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
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Google Pay be like:
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…