@SondraDeeMe: If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you're making out with someone. That'll show him you're still crazy AF.
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@ComedicBust: [hiding in a pantry during a robbery] Wife: [terrified and crying] Me: [eating fat free Cheez-Its] I seriously can't taste the difference.
@djdarrellripley: This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle's personal ad....
@Kim_pulsive: There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
@desi_princess: I told my boss I'm calling in sick today. He said, "You can't do that when you're already here." Is that true you guys?