If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
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Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
the best thing i’ve ever made
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!