If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
You Might Also Like
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
repaired
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.