If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
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For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
boat question
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
For when Tinder doesn’t work
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.