If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
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I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.