When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
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Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now