Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
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I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Guilty! 🤪
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!