It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
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“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???