*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
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KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Who knew!
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?