If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
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Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.