@AliceGolightly_: If you slept with my husband I'd be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"
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@batkaren: [finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon] HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
@jbryantiii: As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
@HeidiCF8: I licked 8 lollipops and sealed them in ziplocs during my stomach flu if anyone needs to lose 5lbs by the weekend.
@LimeyTheGreat: Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge "I'm gonna jump into that canoe". Me: "No that's your reflection".