@AliceGolightly_: If you slept with my husband I'd be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"
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@garthinkingcap: [after solid first date] Ok play it cool, don't wanna seem too eager.. *texts her 47 years later* "Had a great time the other night :)"
@amydillon: OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food. MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
@VodkaThursday: My bunny thumps at trash collectors. Nice to know that if the Sanitation Dept. ever has ill intentions, she won't stand for any of that shit