@AliceGolightly_: If you slept with my husband I'd be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"
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@heapsOhate: *finds own number on a bathroom stall* Call for a good time!? This is outrageous! *crosses out good; writes in GREAT* There. Fixed.
@ClichedOut: I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I'll have automatic street cred.
@murrman5: [to son before going in house] remember its opposite day wife: how was go karting? son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone