If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
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If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
yea so i messed up lol
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them