oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
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I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
wait.