They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
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<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
need him
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem