A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
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Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.