recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
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*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
broke down and did it
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.