If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
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But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.