If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
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I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
“TGIM!” – My liver
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.