If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
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before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?