If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
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If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Aight bet
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”