If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
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Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?