@AustinSommer: If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
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@Iwriteforcats: The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don't have to share your snacks.
@heykarlin: I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture's on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
@UncleDuke1969: Me: C'mon. Dog: No. Me: Let's go. Dog: No. Me: Please? Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!? Me: It's just rain. Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.