If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
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Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Well, shit
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.