@WheelTod: If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
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@kentgrossarth: Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They're from my boyfriend. Now I'm going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don't you have a vase?
@yeetztweetz: my mom: you need to call and make that appointment yourself me: actually i’m okay. i really only need one good ankle
@runolgarun: *TSA officer opens my suitcase, disembodied fist pops out and punches him* me: sry sir I forgot I packed a powerful punch *TSA guns me down*
@Ygrene: [first date] DATE: so you love dogs? ME: yes, I relate to them very much DATE: aww that's swee- [a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]