Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
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Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.