Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
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Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting