not me looking down to google βwhy is my dog staring at meβ only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet πππππ
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My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled βoh shitβ. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didnβt go back to story time at the library again
Everyone knows you donβt need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an βinnovatorβ but when I work out of my garage Iβm βunder arrestβ for βselling meth.β
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was βboring and unoriginal,β and the only thing I could respond with was βno, YOUβRE boring and unoriginalβ
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
me: did you hear about the letters βNβ and βAβ?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
2019: Keep the change
(because Iβm generous)2020: Keep the change
(because Iβm not touching that)
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?