@ericsshadow: If you stand next to a fatter person you look better. That's why I work at Burger King.
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@thejessbess: Waiter: Did we decide? Date: Yes, I'd like the Sirloin. Medium rare. Me: And I'd like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
@NicestHippo: It's disturbing that when we see a man's mustache fall off we assume it's an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
@jergarl: I've never actually finished the song "Rock Your Body" by Justin Timberlake because I'm afraid I'll be naked by the end.
@AddledPixie: I've trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they're just shitting everywhere.