passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
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Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.