I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
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Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.