*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
You Might Also Like
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.