What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
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Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.