If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
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Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Good morning, Twitter 😊
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up